#3 Reclaiming Coffee Shops

Dykey doesn’t begin to describe how lesbians like their coffee shops. Collectively, they are an extremely hard-to-please demographic, and lesbians set the highest standards possible for their favorite hangouts.
For example, lesbians will refuse to step foot in a coffee shop that doesn’t have a fair trade sign in its window and at least one genderqueer or trans person working behind the counter.
If you are a coffee shop owner looking to increase your lesbian clientele, it is advised that you consider the following for your business: at least one non-gendered bathroom, mixed-media wall art produced by obscure, local artists, one menu board dedicated entirely to vegetarian/vegan fare, and weekly meeting space for either “lesbians and their children” or “lesbians and their dogs” (often considered one and the same).
Lesbians will set up camp in a coffee shop for 2-7 hours on some weekend afternoons, purchasing only a caffeinated beverage such as a rooibos latte throughout her entire stay, and will occupy a space large enough for at least four customers regardless of how busy the place may be.
If the shop is experiencing problems with their wireless connection while a lesbian is attempting

to use it, or if they don’t offer free wireless at all, so help them g-d. In these cases, the lesbian will march up to the counter and interrupt the current transaction to demand to know why the internet is slow or nonexistent. If it is simply a technical problem, 9 times out of 10, she will offer to go in the back and fix it herself.

It is among all lesbians’ highest life dreams to open a coffee shop/bar/music venue that will cater exclusively to other lesbians. 100% of the time, they will plan to open their dream shop in California or the Pacific Northwest. If you happen to notice that all of the lesbian’s descriptions of her shop will sound strikingly identical to The L Word’s The Planet, it is wise to keep this to yourself, as she will never admit that her idea is not the first of its kind.
- DDE

 

#2 Binge Drinking

When lesbians come together at a social gathering, it provides ample opportunity for a very important aspect of lesbian lifestyle — binge drinking.

Lesbians are partial to cheap, low-carb beer like Michelob Ultra, Miller Lite, or PBR as they are typically short on cash and pretending to be on a diet. However, they will jump at the chance to purchase Red Stripe or Blue Moon in mass quantities should they be made aware that it is a) on tap or b) at half price.

(Note: Only in the case of a Mexican-themed party will lesbians purchase Coronas and/or tequila, diverting from their standard cost-efficient “light” beer.)

A night of lesbian drinking typically entails partaking in 2 or more of the following: a pre-party, a themed event (which will inevitably be attended by everyone’s exes and in turn their exes), and an after party. In Lesbian Law, the themed party is of paramount significance. Many heterosexuals also consider theme parties to be an enjoyable event, and may spend a maximum of a couple of hours of planning to pull something together. For lesbians, the situation is not so simple. It is universally known among lesbians that the theme of a party generally serves as a challenge to how naked they can be, while still upholding an original outfit.

For example, should the theme be “Holidays,” a lesbian could not simply show up as something so obvious as Christmas, the 4th of July, or even St. Patrick’s Day. Obscurity is a must. Lesbians will pick something that is outrageous such as Flag day (wearing a pride flag strategically arranged to show ample cleavage), Chinese New Year (wearing only red envelopes containing coins inside), or Boxing Day (a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put a lesbian spin on Justin Timberlake’s “Dick in a Box” by putting her box in a box.) National Coming Out Day is used by lesbians who are too lazy or laid back to come up with proper attire. They will go dressed as themselves and will “come out” all night, finding closets and doorways all over the party venue to use as props.

Lesbians are well aware that because of the tight lesbian social circles they run in, it is 100% likely that an ex will be at any party they choose to attend. In these cases, the lesbian’s one and only objective in life is to be hotter, healthier and happier than their ex, despite the fact that she will be overheard telling everyone in her presence that she has a number of new dating prospects and is genuinely “so over the whole thing.”

Lesbians will also frequently convince each other to go to the local lesbian hotspot/bar/club after they have been binge drinking for a few hours at home or school. This is always regarded to be a totally awesome idea by the drunker lesbians, who will without fail spend most, if not all of the money in their wallets, buying drinks for every female in their presence. It is common to hear lesbians the morning after such an outing, wondering aloud how they “spent $220 on Redheaded Sluts” and everyone else’s cover charge.

Regardless of where the party takes place, once drinking has commenced lesbians can succumb to frat boy mentality, seeing that they often secretly emulate all aspects of these heterosexual males’ lives. Any behavior that is neanderthalistic has come to be expected by lesbians in this state of intoxication. They can often be spotted doing keg stands, demanding more beer, and hitting on every girl at the party. They also enjoy suggesting body shots, which take priority over other binge-drinking activities, seeing that any mouth-to-body contact is a must for lesbians, even if the party theme is “Fight Global Warming.” Whereas heterosexual people reserve binge-drinking for socially acceptable days when school and/or work are not an issue, many lesbians simply can’t wait till the weekend to drink. They will find any reason to host a full- on drag night on any day of the week and see no problem commencing their drinking at 7 pm on a Tuesday.

-CR

 

#1 Thinking They’re Fashionable

Lesbians walk a fine line between craving uniqueness and wanting badly to be recognized by their fellow queers and embraced within lesbian culture. This has led to the mass replication of a very particular style, which consists a series of unfortunate yet easily recognized pieces. The majority of lesbians want, at all times, to feel like they just stepped out of a poolside party on the set of the L Word, or off a page of a Ralph Lauren Rugby catalog.

There is one universal truth about lesbians: Every lesbian on earth thinks she is extremely fashionable and groundbreaking in her choice of attire. In Lesbian Law, no matter where a lesbian finds herself, whether it is at her place of work, on vacation with her parents, or at an HRC rally, she must have at least two dykey accessories on her person at all times. These can include, but are not limited to: leather cuff bracelets, aviator sunglasses, men’s watches, multiple bracelets on one wrist, thick silver rings, men’s undershirts, rugby shirts, a hat of any kind (typically used to mask a poor choice of hairstyle), and flip-flops no matter the temperature outside. Lesbians have reclaimed these items from straight males, whom they often talk about despising but secretly emulate in almost every way.

Also, lesbian stereotyping over the past few decades has led to a movement of younger lesbians who defy the lesbian fashions of the older generation. Young lesbians consider their styles so fresh and modern that they take every opportunity possible to judge the attire of older, employed lesbians, otherwise known as “married lesbians.” As unfortunate as it is true, there appears to be a certain age in lesbianhood when a lesbian loses all ability to dress herself in socially acceptable garments. Once a lesbian reaches the age of 29, her entire wardrobe becomes exclusively composed of khaki cargo shorts, ill-fitting collared shirts and inappropriately casual athletic wear, that will cause younger lesbians much pain and confusion.

It is common to overhear a young lesbian muttering snidely to her friends, “PLEASE kill me if you ever see me wear socks with Birkenstocks like that when we’re older.” If you are in the young lesbian’s company, it is advised that you laugh and agree that the older lesbians have deplorable style. Defending the attire choices of older lesbians will only cause the young lesbians to turn against you and view you as a threat to their dominance in the urban-style environment.

Brands are also very important to lesbians and represent where they believe they stand on their perceived spectrum of high to low-class lesbians. Young, empowered, wealthy college-age lesbians refuse to wear brands sold in department stores with the exception of premium jeans. It should be noted that lesbian jeans will fit into one of two categories: slim-fit/skinny or low-rise/baggy; there is no middle ground. Their two stores of choice are unequivocally Urban Outfitters and American Apparel, which are viewed as ultimately cooler and more hip than any other, though end up perpetuating the mass-produced young lesbian uniform.
-DDE